Details, Neurosis, and Asperger's (DNA)

A few things on my mind

-Major changed a few more times... will talk about that another time
-Friends and massive appreciation I'm receiving that I still have trouble realizing until people actually say it
-Not drinking- major social pain, though I probably see it as more of a burden to me than other people do
-Gay stuff- I'm working on positive self-messages and developing a much greater sense of self-respect
-Getting to know people in my dorm... about time for that, as many of them are cooler than I thought
-Music is still sustaining me more than it does most people, and I feel like I'm coming out of my shell in terms of acknowledging my accomplishments related to that and other things. I've been so worried about being called arrogant because of what happened in high school (funny how that works, when other people look down on you and then call you arrogant...)
-Creative writing story I wanted to try to write a while ago, but I'm afraid of how it will come out, whether as cliched, or just too uncomfortable for me/others to read (I suppose that's why editing exists, but I shouldn't edit myself before writing)
-Amazing historian's lecture I saw- maybe I can make a difference
-Newspaper editing and some great classes
-Life has been so... good, and decent, and my reaching out to people hasn't resulted in any backlash from them--people do want to hang out with me and that's a bigger change that I couldn't imagine during all those days coming home alone from high school.
-Been doing a lot of singing since that last entry in October, thankfully--I've been so moved by people actually liking my singing (again, a huge change from high school)
-Some friends who I like but also represent a culture of where I'm come from and where I've never fit in
-I am valued. No, I am valuable, I have value, and I will stay strong.
-I shall overcome. I shall overcome. I shall overcome someday. Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe, I shall overcome someday. (I wonder if I need to keep singing to assert my sense of dignity and self-worth. I am worth it.)

Current Location: a library
Current Mood: reflective
Current Music: where to start... Gram Parsons, "A Song for You"

A couple nights ago, I sang at this open mic at my school and got the biggest cheers of my life to date. People didn't know I could sing, and I sang a few covers, plus song I wrote two years ago when I was going through a hard time with a friend who insulted the hell out of me. So I finish the song and everyone is cheering and whooping and I'm just sort of awkwardly laughing and accepting the applause, like trying to savor how good it feels.

This weekend was otherwise unremarkable, and relatively unproductive, but damn, do I feel good!

Can I also just say how great it feels that people are recognizing me as a human being in terms of talents and not weaknesses? People genuinely appreciate comments I make in classes as really smart, and now they now I can sing! I deserve so much, and am getting it these days. I deserve to feel good about myself, no matter how corny or self-serving that sounds--I really have earned it.

Current Location: my dorm room
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: My song!

What am I thinking about these days? I'm thinking about all the people I have. I'm thinking about all the work I have, and all that I'm accomplishing. Life is good. I should never forget that.

Also, my record player, with a USB drive for recording vinyl (!!) is amazing, and I'm loving listening to a lot of different music. Speaking of which, my radio show is going well, and editing for the school paper is, too. Classes are going well, too. One of them used to be a bullshit (as in typical intro) English class, but at least with this teacher this semester, it's a lot more rigorous and work-intensive. We just had a peer-editing session in another English class for rough drafts of a paper. The last class is probably my favorite--it's a Black Studies class with a lot of great discussion in which I'm participating a lot. Yesterday we were discussing, for part of it, the exclusion of gays and lesbians from much of the discourse of Black Studies, and how race and sexuality have been compared to each other, rather than recognized as two categories that overlap.

Also, what a surprise--I realized that a recent declaration of a double major was a bad idea, so I'm changing my major, for the last time (not that I haven't said that before). I'm designing my own major in American Studies, as my school doesn't have a program in it, so it will hopefully get approved by this committee. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm trying to read a lot these days outside of classes, but I generally am not finding time for it. I want to read more Tim Wise, an amazing writer on white privilege, and more non-fiction from James Baldwin. I'm also eating too much sugar and hanging out with a lot of cool people--it's so weird to be so appreciated, like I've said before, but I think I'm starting to get used to it.

Will hopefully update soon.

Current Location: a quiet study room in a library
Current Music: Carole King, "Will You Love Me Tomorrow"

So, it's another Friday night, and I'm not sure what I should write about, but I know I should write.

1) A friend of mine recently said he loves me (as a friend). I was so touched and surprised. I'm kind of still getting over it, and I hope I remember it more on nights like this.
2) An important family member's birthday is coming up soon. I'll send her a card showing my appreciation.
3) On nights like this, I tend to forget that I'm worth much--I guess that's a concept that's still ingrained in my head, that I'm alone, that I'm isolated, especially when that's the case physically, when I'm just walking around alone listening to music.
4) Time management is going well, though not fantastically. I'm certainly doing fine with work, but I'm worried I'm already becoming overloaded early in the semester.
5) People REALLY appreciate me! Somebody said in class today, "How do you know so much?" I was just like, What? I thanked her for it later.
6) I'm afraid of leaning on people too much, so that's probably why I haven't called anybody tonight to talk or help me out with this loneliness.
7) Today I wrote a letter to a guy saying that essentially I like him. We'll see how that works out.
8) Gratitudes: classes going really well (with a double major?), roommate situation going really well, the paper and radio going really well, I'm financially well-off, I'm questioning a lot of the snobbish/entitled attitudes around me, I'm have so many friends I can't count them all, and I have so many allies.
9) Music is sustaining me; it probably will always do that.

Current Location: study room in library
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Emmylou Harris- Spyboy

So, I have a few resentments to get off my chest, or at least ones about which I should post.

Resentment 1- I don't get how you can call yourself a "big fan" of me when all you did this summer is be irresponsible and not treat me (yes, me, more than others) like I don't exist. I'm already tired of seeing your face around campus.

Resentment 2- Stop saying racist comments in my friends' classes, or just be insightful about texts once in a while.

Resentment 3- What makes you think you can speak for anybody besides yourself, you arrogant fuckhead?

Resentment 4- I haven't talked with you in a while, but I can still hear you laughing at me, and I wish you understood that you treated me like shit.

Resentment 5- You're never going to effect change if you are unreasonable/confrontational. I hope you get that, really.

Current Location: study room at school
Current Mood: annoyed

So, what's been going on? Probably the same old shit from the past, but it's been harder this summer. I've changed my fall schedule for classes a number of times, but I wonder if that points to some striving for, in this case, the perfect schedule. I'm spending too much on coffee drinks, doing some exercise, having an erratic sleep schedule (my days are generally structureless, which isn't exactly conducive to me getting out of bed early). I'm wishing for what I can't have (a boyfriend, mainly), and I'm mainly just looking forward to school starting in a few weeks. I can't wait--I'll have a roommate, great classes, and I'll be busy being one of the section editors for my school paper, probably also doing a radio show... I hope I can audition for this singing group on campus (it would make me so happy to have some outlet for singing), but I doubt I'll have time to commit to anything with that. I'll see the best friends I've ever had (excepting those who have graduated, but I'll keep in touch with them). I'm so lucky with a lot of things that I have--two years ago, I never dreamed I could be this happy. Something's missing, though--I still don't know how to react to compliments and general appreciation from people; I think I'm just in a weird transition period in my life.

And speaking of appreciation:

It was such a pleasure to get to know you last year, I felt very lucky and honored to have our friendship. You are such an incredible guy with so much knowledge to share. Our English class was so great, hearing your comments and the effort you put into your work was impressive and inspiring. So many people have so much love for you that I know its incredible. I hope you know that and you remember it often, even in the hardest times. You have so much to offer the world, so much. Thinking about that makes me happy and proud to know you. You are such a great guy, and you are going to make some other great guy really happy some day....

Current Location: home
Current Music: Emmylou Harris

Recent news:

Grandfather died
Dog died
Read a lot (works by bell hooks, James Baldwin, David Henry Hwang, Michael Kimmel, Frederick Douglass, Greil Marcus, Alice Walker, more)
Listened to a lot of music (Dinah Washington, Gram Parsons, Ella Fitzgerald, Bob Dylan, Emmylou Harris, Townes Van Zandt, John Coltrane, Nas, more)
Finished my second year of college
Looked and looked for a summer job, still haven't found one
Have received a hell of a lot more compliments and affirmations about my worth than I'm used to (though that's characteristic of the last year in general)
Thought of changing my major a few more times... I'm now thinking of double majoring in English and French
Drinking a lot of sweetened coffee drinks
Gone to a lot of libraries

Anyways, I'll write more later.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: thankful

Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: see clips

My computer crashed a couple weeks ago, so I haven't checked LJ at all since then. I'm writing this on a library computer before dawn on a Saturday morning and I have a few things on my mind.

1) Mental health

In the last few weeks there have been not one, but TWO deaths on this campus: the first was a student suicide, and the second was a professor about to retire. I've felt so down lately (some of the time), and they're mostly the same old issues reinforcing themselves--social anxiety (at this point it's remaining feelings of inadequacy, not actually specific events from high school) and gay stuff (feeling like I'm one of the only gay people on campus who's not an idiot) and feeling alone. Really, really alone.

Mental health awareness has increased on this campus, so I shouldn't feel like I can't talk to people, but sometimes I do feel that way. I get so down until I just call people, realizing how much better it is when I'm not alone, but I guess I'm afraid of pestering my friends until they turn against me because I've called them too many times.

At the same time, confiding in people has really worked out well--I end up feeling better, until I'm alone again. But I'll have my friends with me in spirit when I'm not around them--look at a letter I got recently from a friend I frankly didn't know cared so much:

in thinking about our conversation last night i wanted to say a few things that I didnt get to. the first being that I want you to know how valuable you are and how incredible a contribution you make to this campus and our world. i cant stress enough how so many people i know think so highly of you and value you as a friend and an intellectual. i want you to know that and remember it because it is true.

And then my best friend, who's in Spain right now, wrote the following when I told him I was worried about his dating someone getting in the way of us hanging out often:

I've probably said it before but I'll say it again. No matter what happens to both of us, we'll always be friends.... [My girlfriend and I] are in the beginning stages of a relationship so who knows where it will go, but that wont get in the way of our friendship---ever.

I got this two years (almost to the day, I think) after a small friendship broke off at a time when I didn't have any real (peer) friends. And it meant so much.

2) Classes

I finished this damn huge project I was working on for weeks. It felt so good to get it out of the way. And now I have some other, smaller projects due, but I'll be fine. I finished my schedule for next fall--I'll at least be taking two English classes, one Black Studies class, and one Music class. I think that'll be enough, but I'll see if I can fit more in even if it's a bad idea.

3) Miscellaneous notes

I was going to apply to study abroad next spring for England, but I don't think I'm going to; I'll see if I can do it the year after.
Job/internship search- Need to do more of it- sent in my internship application, but it's unlikely I'll get it
Applying for an administrative position at the campus radio station in the fall
One of my best friends is going on medical leave today... we'll see each other soon, though.

And now I need to get a couple hours of sleep before I wake up again.

Current Location: a library
Current Mood: sleepy

So, I'm home, bickering with my folks a bit (it's better when I'm out of the house), looking for jobs for the summer, and currently at one of my favorite coffeeshop locations from last summer. I'm wondering how many people are out there with Asperger's who are GLBT, like me. Maybe they've gone through a lot of the same stuff. I kind of want to spill my guts to a friend right now.

So let me just say this: my biggest problem with Asperger's seems to be communication, especially nonverbal communication, or at least subtle non/verbal cues I don't pick up on. My biggest problem with being gay is probably related to communication issues: not feeling like I fit in, not knowing how to go up to guys I like. I wonder if I have too much fear, but I'm trying to discern what is fear and what is common sense. I can't be fearless; I have to respect others and their right to be left alone, or to not be creeped out by any sort of advance.

I need to improve some of my self-confidence; I bet a lot of what I can change really is that "self-talk," like separating what I am/can't change from what I can. Example: "I shouldn't go up to him" is a sensible kind of self-talk, but the reasons for it might involve putting myself down: "I'm not good enough for him," or "(he would think) I'm too awkward." Just a thought.

Current Location: a coffeeshop
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: A lot of old soul- Marvin Gaye, Staple Singers, Gladys Knight & the Pips

Current Location: a library
Current Music: Replacements, "I Will Dare"

So today's the birthday of a relative on my dad's side who has treated other members of my family like shit, like absolute shit. And I don't know if I'm angry for those family members' sake or mine, but either way, it hurts to think about him. And I realize what hurts me most is that which I don't accept, so I guess I just need to accept how he's treated other members of my family; they seem to have disassociated from him. I would love to yell at him, but I know he's made them cry; I would be certain to crack. He's a belligerent shaming asshole who tells homophobic/racist/classist (and probably sexist) jokes, and I don't ever want to see him again. So why do I keep thinking about him?

I guess that's the rationale for why I'm not feeling well right now. It doesn't make sense; I just need to remind myself of all the people I have to whom I can turn.

Music seems to lift my spirits. I'll go listen to that. The first song I choose to listen to will be listed with this entry.

Current Location: a coffeeshop
Current Mood: unhappy
Current Music: Byrds, "Mr. Tambourine Man"

Mental health comes first. Continue eating well, exercising, thinking positively. It works wonders.

Current Location: a coffeeshop, after walking
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: right now, Thelonious Monk

I can hear the guitar playing and applause echoing in my head. Ah, playing at open mics. I did that a couple hours ago; it was really cool.

So, it's another Saturday night that feels kind of lonely. I think I'm starting to accept myself more and more, but Saturday nights are still kind of a drag. This one shouldn't be too bad. Anyways, this week has been really busy. Since my last entry post on Tuesday, I've had to cover two events for my school newspaper; I'll try to get the drafts done tomorrow. I'm also reading some interesting critical essays about black queer studies. I can't think a lot right now--probably need some sleep--but I'm hosting a prospective student at my college tomorrow. That should be interesting.

Current Location: a library
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Townes Van Zandt

It's early Tuesday evening, and I'm having a busy day. In addition to two classes, I have the college radio, newspaper, and GLBT organizations. By the way, I didn't get asked back for the GLBT scholarship, which makes me kind of surprised. They must have gotten a bunch of really fucking qualified applicants. Ah well, nothing I can do about it; I'll probably still apply next year. I'm disappointed that I don't get to send in the glowing faculty recommendations I received, but what can you do?

I might stay on campus over the summer; that way, I won't bicker at home with my folks. So I'm looking for jobs on campus--admissions, in particular. I'll see if they need me, but I turned in my application today and should hear back within two weeks. I hope to find something to do over the summer--a job, or just some structure. I need to clean my room, go to meetings, etc. Peace.

Current Location: a coffeeshop
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Motown

So, today, I talked to the teachers of two classes in which I was worried I wasn't doing well. I'm doing fine, or at least I have ample opportunity to improve. It's another lonely Friday night, and many are out partying, but I've been doing well lately. Reading a heck of a lot--"The Bluest Eye," "Mrs. Dalloway" and James Baldwin's book of short stories, "Going to Meet the Man." Now I want to start Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" and William Faulkner's "Light in August." I'll see if I have time this weekend.

Current Location: my dorm room
Current Mood: somewhat melancholy

Ok, so I want to drop this history class that's kicking my ass. However, apparently at mid-semester we have like 70-80% of the grade still left in terms of project and such. So perhaps I can raise my grade.

Also, while my friends are worried about on- or off-campus housing for next year, I am fine. I found out a while ago that I'm living in the GLBTQ house, so that will be nice.

Should find out soon about the GLBTQ scholarship--if I'm selected for further review, which I sure hope will happen.

Have a new adviser for my English major! Woot!

Current Location: a coffeeshop
Current Music: My Bloody Valentine- Loveless

So, I might just declare my major in English. What the hey, I could change it later to American Studies if I need to, but since my college doesn't have its own American Studies program, I'd rather not design my own major. I guess I'll be stuck with a lot of reading for now. Woo-hoo! I'm actually enjoying fiction these days--Toni Morrison, Virginia Woolf... I usually read a lot more non-fiction, but I'm changing this.

I love learning new stuff! *Hugs self*

Current Location: a coffeeshop
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Various vinyl stuff for my radio show

Last year I was behind in my work… far more behind than I am now. Granted, those were more paper-based classes, and perhaps I’d still struggle with them now, but I nonetheless feel like I’ve come a long way. I’m writing this right now in a library, like the one I spent so much time in at home when I was younger. Just to reiterate how lucky I am in terms of friends:



I never expect thanks for the things I do but the fact that you're so appreciative and try not to take people for granted is an extremely good quality

thanks for ur help. theres no way i'd be here right now w/o u

you are amazing and wonderful and beautiful and i will miss you tons. thanks for all your lovely words. you are truly a magnificent human being! be in touch and write me, it makes me feel so good.

I feel a mutual accord that is exactly what friendship is all about

Seriously, is there anything you don’t know?

An outstanding student of whom I am proud

I LOVE you and hope everything is okay. Remember, even when it seems like it's unmanageable, it ALWAYS works out and time always ticks by. I love you a ton.

I love you tons tons tons!

Keep your head up
You’re awesome man

You rule. Thank you for your friendship and for putting up with me.

You are awesome!

I cannot think of anyone more deserving…

I wouldn't even know where to begin with the good things I see in you.

then i see people such as yourself and am just so fucking glad to be here, among people i can actually learn something new from and people who inspire me to do my own thing. you are most definitely one of those people, from your passion about music to (it seems) everything!

I appreaciate the fact that any time I see you say hi to me and ask me about my life. you don't only do this to me, you do this to everyone, and it really shows that you care about the people around you, I think thats one of the best qualities there is.





Contrast this to a year ago:


Pseudo-friend from a year ago: its boring that weve had this conversation again and again. and that all interactions are halted at many points because you cant comprehend basic innuendo/ tone/ irony etc
i hope i dont sound crude but i feel like to get through to you i have to abandon all sublety i usually employ conversationally
i get like UGH i want to throw up my hands becasue you miss something or you take something wrong and it gets sticky and i'm exhausted that you cant just communicate normally
and by the time i explain myself - or try to- the point i was trying to state is moot
1:31 AM also, in fear of hurting your feelings i'm better off just not giving you any real opinions.

you are oversensitive (a baby!)

Pseudo-friend: i dont care at this point. i guess my expectations of you were too high
me: huh?
what expectations? you had expectations?
Pseudo-friend: yeah that you could have a normal conversation like a human being of your considerable intelligence
me: ok fine
look, I'll leave it at this, something I've said time and time again
stop fucking putting me down for something I can't fucking change
Pseudo-friend: ok.
then i'll ignore you like everyone else does i guess

Current Location: a library
Current Mood: grateful

I'm going home tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see my family for a couple days. I have a good deal of homework, but I'll get it done. I just got a message from a fantastic friend with whom I'd gotten in touch recently, and I look forward to calling her. I moved into a new dorm, and the sense of community is so much greater... I feel already less isolated.